The pity party has ended: dedication required!

Talented? Me? I’ve never achieved anything meaningful without fully and wholly dedicating myself to it. I know my biggest talent is being so strong-willed I may seem blind to others, for not seeing my lack of skills at the first place. 

I am not scared of real devotion, of the fact it has never been done before. That’s the least of my worries, if actually not even turning me on.  I'll fail again and again and the more I hate myself for being so untalented, the more I understand my mistakes, my weaknesses. I acknowledge them, scrutinize them, hate them intensely and eventually make them suffer and perhaps make them even powerless.

I can say that looking back on the majority of my humble successes, if I had known how hard it would be to get there, I would never have started in the first place.  But luckily, being a little ignorant sometimes gets you far. Once you’ve sweated enough to reach a goal, it seems too late to give up even on large and scary obstacles. 

Scary nightmares for wimps

We all read the famous quote by Roosevelt : “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

I don’t know if I have the wrong idea of what scary means but I surely do one thing that challenges me every single day. Something that I don’t really know how to do. Something that will teach me something and in the worst case, humiliate me even to myself. So much so that I eventually get used to it and it becomes almost refreshing!

Courage or fear of pain?

Sometimes I wish I could happily afford to procrastinate. Most of the time I move forward to avoid pain. To stay still and look at myself is for me so scary that moving forward appears safer. I may find hell where I was expecting comfort but in any case I create movement, and eventually improvement.

Empathy or pity party?

It’s useless to claim that I am not a buyer when it comes to fake compassion. Everyone can have his or her little pity party once in a while but the limit should be sixty or maybe ninety seconds, after which it’s time to move on and change whatever it is you are unhappy about.

Something I highly value in friendship or close relationships is a person’s ability to move me out of a dark zone if I stay there for too long (more than sixty seconds). It requires empathy, rationality, knowing myself well, my bad patterns and defence mechanisms, a little faith and intelligence. Just as much as I’d need by myself. If I call out a friend to talk about a problem, it’s surely not for useless sympathy but to get assistance and escape my rabbit hole.

Cowardly perfectionist

That said, I am still a wimp myself, who’s hiding behind her perfectionism. That cowardly behaviour slowed me down for too long, while I pretended it was my tool. The "perfectionist" doesn't take risks, doesn't move forward unless it is expected a very soft and sure safety net. This promise of lethargy in disguise has been a protection device for so long and still is when I don't push myself out of comfort zone. Today I am proud to be a beginner, to learn from everyone, to start from zero every morning, to do not hide how slow I am at learning a few things, call me moron if you will.